Hi gang, sorry I haven't posted anything in a while, I've been shagging birds and getting drunk......
Only kidding, I've mostly been working and putting the bins out. But anyway, Tan is still pregnant, we just had our 20 week scan and the little scamp was going nuts, the midwife had to ask her to sit still, so she could check the baby.
Oh yeah, that's the tone set. That's just how funny this shit is gonna get.
Anyway, Tan was suitably full of water and in desperate need of a wee by the time we got in to be seen (I know this, because it was all we talked about for 30 minutes, while we waited to go in), so suffice to say she really loved the burly old girl prodding around her bladder with the magic stick (not something I've done all that much of lately)
We saw the little guys face on the screen and it was frowning and picking its nose, so at least i know it's mine. Scarlett came with us and she thought the whole thing was incredible, i decided against downloading an app to show what happens in labour, as she finds a popping balloon frightening enough.
The baby is really kicking now. Tan has taken to waking me in the early hours of the morning to show me. I can NEVER feel it, but i mumble and nod with a tired smile on my face, just so she'll let me get the fuck back to sleep.
Tan has quite a belly on her now as you might expect, I've seen more of her chuff than she has recently. She proof reads these blogs before i post them, so I'm going to use this opportunity to tell her, YOU NEED A TRIM LOVE, it's like kissing Chewbacca down there.
Sex is still good though, for me it is i mean, she's only ever done it, so i wash up or do the hoovering. Missionary is off the menu mind, it feels like I'm humping a gym ball. I've also got my finish time down too, so everyone wins.
Seriously though, she still looks amazing, she has a lovely neat bump, like she's smuggling a spare Gregg Wallace head in to Masterchef HQ and because she's little (I have a 5 foot and below height policy) it looks relatively massive. It suits her.
In the last few weeks we've been buying loads of baby stuff. Moses basket, some other random junk and a pushchair. I like buying the pushchair, it's the man thing. I checked the suspension, power to weight ratio, wheel diameter, that sort of thing........ IT COST £350, for a used one. Fucking ridiculous. Do you have any idea how many copies of Razzle i could buy with that sort of money? A bloody carrier bag full. They say the best things in life are free. This does apply to blow jobs, it does not apply to babies. Although they are alike, in as much as i seem to be getting about one every four years.
So, I'm 33, I have a 4 year old daughter and a wife with a bun in the oven. Would i do anything differently?For all the yapping in my ear? For the constant Dad this, Dad that? The relentless role playing? (not the good kind)
Maybe....
NO, I MEAN NO. I love my family, unconditionally and they all make me much less of a cock, which is no mean feat.
Thanks dudes. Later
Sunday 15 September 2013
Tuesday 6 August 2013
Pregnancy - Week 14 or 15
I don't know what's happened, but I've lost count of what week we're on. I knew this would happen, I'm such a div. what's more embarrassing is, it's on a calendar in the kitchen, barely 10 metres from where I'm sat and I still can't be bothered to go and check. That's how seriously I'm taking this shit.
So, week 14 or 15 whatever. Tanya has been feeling the baby move this week, I'm sure Scarlett didn't squirm around quite as much as bean is at this early a stage. It's mental. I tired to film it on my phone, but it didn't come out well, like Blair Witch Project meets Aliens. I'm not gonna lie, I don't like it. I could sit here and tell you how incredible it is, to see my unborn child moving around in the womb of my wife and it is, but it's not my over riding feeling when I see it. It's more like, what the FUCK was that?! I don't need to see it and I think Tan knows it freaks me out a bit, which makes her a git. I know she hates raw cherry tomatoes, so I wouldn't call her in to the kitchen when I'm slicing some for a salad. It's just not cricket.
During a pregnancy I go through different emotional stages, much like a pregnant woman. It's never related to how my wife feels, so it's definitely not sympathy.
For example: the first few weeks after I find out we're expecting, it's 10% general trepidation, 15% fear and anxiety and 75% shitting all down myself. But that passes over fairly quickly and I become accustomed to my fate. After that initial spell, I go in to the chilled out, laid back, how hard can it be? Stage. Which is where I'm at now. I'm not sure how long it will last, but I like it and it's generally at the back of my mind. All I know is, it won't last forever and I'll enter the third TriMANster. This is the worst stage of the man pregnancy, all out doom and gloom and inconsolable misery as I await our impending bundle of joy. I'm hoping as the baby is due at the end of January, that Christmas might take the edge off and bring me out of the funk, but I have my doubts as it's at my mother and father in laws this year. Christ.
For those interested in my sex anxiety whilst we're pregnant, I think I made big steps towards a cure this week and I didn't have to turn off the lights or wear a blindfold. I had a talk to myself, "STOP BEING SO IRRATIONAL" I shouted somewhat irrationally and it seemed to work, I got my mind on the job in hand, got my finish time back to sub 5 minutes and it meant Tan could catch the end of Look East on the telly. Everyone's a winner.
Anyway, as I write this, Tan is out shopping. And I've bathed and put Scarlett to bed, all the time, wondering and imagining having another child to deal with in this scenario and I had an idea. I will always pretend I only have one child. It's not that hard, whichever one I'm not parenting at any given moment will be hog tied in the kitchen sink. Kids love apples.
Good night.
Mark
So, week 14 or 15 whatever. Tanya has been feeling the baby move this week, I'm sure Scarlett didn't squirm around quite as much as bean is at this early a stage. It's mental. I tired to film it on my phone, but it didn't come out well, like Blair Witch Project meets Aliens. I'm not gonna lie, I don't like it. I could sit here and tell you how incredible it is, to see my unborn child moving around in the womb of my wife and it is, but it's not my over riding feeling when I see it. It's more like, what the FUCK was that?! I don't need to see it and I think Tan knows it freaks me out a bit, which makes her a git. I know she hates raw cherry tomatoes, so I wouldn't call her in to the kitchen when I'm slicing some for a salad. It's just not cricket.
During a pregnancy I go through different emotional stages, much like a pregnant woman. It's never related to how my wife feels, so it's definitely not sympathy.
For example: the first few weeks after I find out we're expecting, it's 10% general trepidation, 15% fear and anxiety and 75% shitting all down myself. But that passes over fairly quickly and I become accustomed to my fate. After that initial spell, I go in to the chilled out, laid back, how hard can it be? Stage. Which is where I'm at now. I'm not sure how long it will last, but I like it and it's generally at the back of my mind. All I know is, it won't last forever and I'll enter the third TriMANster. This is the worst stage of the man pregnancy, all out doom and gloom and inconsolable misery as I await our impending bundle of joy. I'm hoping as the baby is due at the end of January, that Christmas might take the edge off and bring me out of the funk, but I have my doubts as it's at my mother and father in laws this year. Christ.
For those interested in my sex anxiety whilst we're pregnant, I think I made big steps towards a cure this week and I didn't have to turn off the lights or wear a blindfold. I had a talk to myself, "STOP BEING SO IRRATIONAL" I shouted somewhat irrationally and it seemed to work, I got my mind on the job in hand, got my finish time back to sub 5 minutes and it meant Tan could catch the end of Look East on the telly. Everyone's a winner.
Anyway, as I write this, Tan is out shopping. And I've bathed and put Scarlett to bed, all the time, wondering and imagining having another child to deal with in this scenario and I had an idea. I will always pretend I only have one child. It's not that hard, whichever one I'm not parenting at any given moment will be hog tied in the kitchen sink. Kids love apples.
Good night.
Mark
Thursday 25 July 2013
My Second Post - Pregnancy, Week 13.
Week 13 of pregnancy, unlucky for some.... Not me though, the wife is horny as hell and she can't keep her hands off of me.
I wanted to write that, just to see what it looked like on the page, it couldn't be less true. It doesn't matter though, because I'm one of those strange guys who hates the thought of jabbing an erect penis in to my unborn baby's ear. How irrational is that? I'm not even well endowed, I'm probably miles away from it, or in a different hole or something. I don't know I'm not a doctor. I suppose the point is, having sex with my wife whilst she's pregnant doesn't have the same appeal as it did 2 months ago. Now, before people tut or shake their head, she looks beautiful, I love how she looks when she's pregnant, it makes me happy, but it's psychological. That's not to say, if I'm offered a bit of how's your father, I won't jump at the chance.....on the contrary. All I'm saying is, it won't be with the usual eagerness of a bulldog chewing a split tennis ball...... Ironically.
I've had a pretty special week truth be told, Wednesday was especially good. We had an appointment with our midwife to listen to baby Bean's heartbeat. Oh yeah, we're calling no.2 Bean, should probably mention that. Anyway, I forgot how nice it was when we listened to Scarlett's heartbeat the first time and it was just as special this time around. What's more, Scarlett was there to hear it for herself. I must say, for a four year old, she seems to have a pretty good grasp on all the goings on so far. She loved hearing the baby's racing heart, thundering away in there, as did we all.
That was only the beginning of a day full of baby related frivolity. As, no sooner had we left the Doctors that we were on one of National Rails finest crap wagons, down to Laandan, to see my brother and sister in law and their brand spanking new baby, Martha. It was great, they were great, she was beautiful. And as we were travelling home, it left me thinking, how much I can't wait for our little bundle of joy to arrive in January.
Tanya feels less sick now, she was never really ill, thankfully, but I think she's coming in to the more enjoyably stage of pregnancy now. Her small, but nicely rounded bump is coming along leaps and bounds and she's found some nice things to wear recently, so she's happy with that.
We've been entertaining the idea of names already. I say we, just me really, I think I bore Tan with my monotonous ramblings about it, but she generally gives as good as she gets in that respect, so I carry on regardless. Looking at all the names again, the seemingly relentless rows and columns of names, it bought me back to thinking about choosing Scarlett's name so early on in the pregnancy. We had told a lot of people we were going to call her Megan, Megan Bacon. Tan's Gran commented on how lovely a name it was, but it took us a long while to explain to her that it was a joke. Bless her. Whatever we choose, rest assured it's going to be a normal name - not common so much, but normal. Definitely not Shakoncé, definitely not Brizella and definitely not Lightening Bolt Huxley St Barts.
Onwards and upwards, see you next week.
Mark.
I wanted to write that, just to see what it looked like on the page, it couldn't be less true. It doesn't matter though, because I'm one of those strange guys who hates the thought of jabbing an erect penis in to my unborn baby's ear. How irrational is that? I'm not even well endowed, I'm probably miles away from it, or in a different hole or something. I don't know I'm not a doctor. I suppose the point is, having sex with my wife whilst she's pregnant doesn't have the same appeal as it did 2 months ago. Now, before people tut or shake their head, she looks beautiful, I love how she looks when she's pregnant, it makes me happy, but it's psychological. That's not to say, if I'm offered a bit of how's your father, I won't jump at the chance.....on the contrary. All I'm saying is, it won't be with the usual eagerness of a bulldog chewing a split tennis ball...... Ironically.
I've had a pretty special week truth be told, Wednesday was especially good. We had an appointment with our midwife to listen to baby Bean's heartbeat. Oh yeah, we're calling no.2 Bean, should probably mention that. Anyway, I forgot how nice it was when we listened to Scarlett's heartbeat the first time and it was just as special this time around. What's more, Scarlett was there to hear it for herself. I must say, for a four year old, she seems to have a pretty good grasp on all the goings on so far. She loved hearing the baby's racing heart, thundering away in there, as did we all.
That was only the beginning of a day full of baby related frivolity. As, no sooner had we left the Doctors that we were on one of National Rails finest crap wagons, down to Laandan, to see my brother and sister in law and their brand spanking new baby, Martha. It was great, they were great, she was beautiful. And as we were travelling home, it left me thinking, how much I can't wait for our little bundle of joy to arrive in January.
Tanya feels less sick now, she was never really ill, thankfully, but I think she's coming in to the more enjoyably stage of pregnancy now. Her small, but nicely rounded bump is coming along leaps and bounds and she's found some nice things to wear recently, so she's happy with that.
We've been entertaining the idea of names already. I say we, just me really, I think I bore Tan with my monotonous ramblings about it, but she generally gives as good as she gets in that respect, so I carry on regardless. Looking at all the names again, the seemingly relentless rows and columns of names, it bought me back to thinking about choosing Scarlett's name so early on in the pregnancy. We had told a lot of people we were going to call her Megan, Megan Bacon. Tan's Gran commented on how lovely a name it was, but it took us a long while to explain to her that it was a joke. Bless her. Whatever we choose, rest assured it's going to be a normal name - not common so much, but normal. Definitely not Shakoncé, definitely not Brizella and definitely not Lightening Bolt Huxley St Barts.
Onwards and upwards, see you next week.
Mark.
Friday 19 July 2013
So, here it is, my first ever blog post. My wife is pregnant, AGAIN, so I'm currently that strange mix of anxiety and excitement, that you usually only associate with the Nemesis at Alton Towers, or being handed a flaming sambuca.
But the baby isn't due until the end of January next year, so that gives me a good 6 months to mull it over.
My wife and I were sat, waiting for my daughter Scarlett to go for her 2nd poo in as many minutes, back in April, when we decided to bring up the conversation about having another child. If you had asked me 2 years ago, when we were in between Scarlett teething and teaching her it wasn't ok to shit where she liked and I would've said "no way man, no way am I having another child". Now it's not because I don't love my child, obviously. She's amazing, I can't imagine life without her, blah blah blah. I LOVE HER........... But listen, I'm a man, sometimes it's all just a bit, you know? AARRRGGHHHH. Yeah???? It's bloody hard work, sometimes tedious, sometimes tiring, sometimes fucking irritating. Don't get me wrong, I adore it when Scarlett says to me, things like: "daddy, I love you" or "you're my hero dad" things like that. But they're few and far between, or just said because she's kissing my arse, because I'm angry that (1) she trod on my foot AGAIN, or (2) spilled her drink on my phone, or (3) stood in front of the TV when Kevin Pietersen hit the winning runs in a test match. I'm much more likely to hear Scarlett ask me for chocolate, or to turn the light on so she can go for a wee, or what my penis is for the 50th time.
But something clicked, I wanted another child. The sadistic node in my frontal lobe got a short, or got a bit wet, or unplugged, or something and it all made sense. So that's where we are now, 6 months from being a family of four. I'm not shitting myself just yet, but as sure as an Asda employee will cough right in your face, I will start worrying. But I'm happy, I'm thankful and I'm interested to see what happens. So let's see what happens, it could get weird.
But the baby isn't due until the end of January next year, so that gives me a good 6 months to mull it over.
My wife and I were sat, waiting for my daughter Scarlett to go for her 2nd poo in as many minutes, back in April, when we decided to bring up the conversation about having another child. If you had asked me 2 years ago, when we were in between Scarlett teething and teaching her it wasn't ok to shit where she liked and I would've said "no way man, no way am I having another child". Now it's not because I don't love my child, obviously. She's amazing, I can't imagine life without her, blah blah blah. I LOVE HER........... But listen, I'm a man, sometimes it's all just a bit, you know? AARRRGGHHHH. Yeah???? It's bloody hard work, sometimes tedious, sometimes tiring, sometimes fucking irritating. Don't get me wrong, I adore it when Scarlett says to me, things like: "daddy, I love you" or "you're my hero dad" things like that. But they're few and far between, or just said because she's kissing my arse, because I'm angry that (1) she trod on my foot AGAIN, or (2) spilled her drink on my phone, or (3) stood in front of the TV when Kevin Pietersen hit the winning runs in a test match. I'm much more likely to hear Scarlett ask me for chocolate, or to turn the light on so she can go for a wee, or what my penis is for the 50th time.
But something clicked, I wanted another child. The sadistic node in my frontal lobe got a short, or got a bit wet, or unplugged, or something and it all made sense. So that's where we are now, 6 months from being a family of four. I'm not shitting myself just yet, but as sure as an Asda employee will cough right in your face, I will start worrying. But I'm happy, I'm thankful and I'm interested to see what happens. So let's see what happens, it could get weird.
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